I just got turned down for health coverage AGAIN, basically because I NEED IT.

Seriously, they’re turning down a largely-healthly, never-been-hospitalized-ever, non-smoking woman in her 30’s who has no plans to have any children, because she manages her depression and prefers to breathe once in a while. But I have prescriptions, and I don’t even pay for all of them (my shrink sneaks me samples) and I still end up shelling out like $300 a month. And that $300, which most people pay toward insurance, just goes off into the air toward nothing else.

Fucking insurance agent, he had me tell the truth. Everyone knows you can’t do that. He made it out to seem like this was The People’s Insurance Agency, where everyone gets coverage and we’re re-making the world and there’s puppies and rainbows everywhere.

I’m so fucking mad I could kill someone. And clearly the most cost effective person to kill would be myself. I think if you read the fine print that’s what they recommend.

The surprisingly straight flight attendant with the Texas twang nodded to the iPod in my hands, on which I compulsively played Solitaire. He needed to tell me to stow my personal electronic device, as we were about to land. He chose to do it this way:

“Hey Darlin’,” he drawled. “You gotta shut ‘er down.”

God, I love Southwest.

He moved on. I did want to mention that the long-bearded geek across the aisle with the super duper iPod and the $200 Sony Mongo Headphones didn’t seem to be shuttin’ her down any, but decided to let it go. I resigned myself to twitching in withdrawal through the next 10 minutes until we touched down in Oakland.

This was on Monday, when I started this little journey I’m currently on. (When was I gonna tell you? I’m telling you now. Hell, I was barely told until a week or so ago.) I got a new, last-minutey sort of writing gig, right on the heels of my contract winding up at Nickelodeon with no new Nick show chosen for me to do. This gig I’m doing instead is kind of phenomenal, and involved days of nail-biting negotiations and calls between my agent, me and everybody in the world, as well as my being flown up to the Bay area, lodged and rental-car-ed at this company’s expense. Unfortunately the gig is also one of those super-secret-if-I-told-you-I’d-have-to-kill-you kind of jobs. But I’ll tell you what I can. Except not yet. You gotta read through the rest of my trip first.

(more…)

[Any resemblance between the following and the responses of any real person or entity is…probably because I’m reporting what really happens.]

ME: Okay, first idea: Main Character wakes up one Thursday…

THEM: Oh wait, Thursday? Not Thursday. We don’t want any Thursday stories. Our foreign affiliates hate Thursday, and surveys show boys 9-14 think it’s not cool, and we just personally find it icky. Don’t most child abusers strike on Thursdays? Doesn’t everyone know that? We’ll get hate mail. Who told you you could write Thursday stories?

ME: Nobody told me I couldn’t write Thursday stories.

THEM: Oh, somebody should have. ::memo goes out, 1,500 copies :: “NO THURSDAY STORIES EVER.”

ME: Okay, starting over…our main character wakes up…

THEM: Oh, wait, no waking up stories. It’s not character-driven enough – anybody can wake up. Too situational. And boys 9-14 will get bored. Boys 9-14 are the only beings on the planet who matter. Waking up is too girly.

ME: ::grinding teeth:: Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like waking up stories when I pitched one before?

THEM: Oh, ’cause we just decided about them. It wasn’t a thing last week, but it is now. But we’d still like to imply that you should have known. ::memo goes out::

ME: Okay. Fine. Main Character…

THEM: Why can’t you write some stories about the other characters? We’re not focusing on them enough. We’re getting all one-note.

ME: ::becoming murderous:: Auxiliary Character, already awake, hangs out with Other Overlooked Auxiliary Character.

THEM: Wait, what about Main Character? What’s his reaction to this? He’s the center of the show, you know. Don’t you know that? ::memo goes out…:::

ME: ::actively pounding head against desk:: Main Character, who never sleeps and is completely devoid of estrogen, does things only 9-14 year old boys would find fascinating, passes by Auxiliary Character and waves, then has exciting adventure completely in keeping with his personal traits and motives.

THEM: Hmm…there’s something there. There’s something in there that’s good, but…what if it happened on Thursday? Here, here’s my idea: main character wakes up on a Thursday. Do this because I thought of it. I mean, why don’t we ever do any Thursday stories? And why don’t we show him waking up? Our other foreign affiliates love waking up on Thursdays.

ME: ::bubbles from drowning of self seen on surface of lake::

My replacement Bubble Monkey works way better now!! (Especially when you use dishwashing liquid!)

So click here to see the new improved Bubble Monkey Movie in action!

(I knew you’d want to know the second I had the news!)