I stood in line at the bank today, in a branch I don’t frequent. The first thing I noticed was at every teller’s window was a little sign with a large happy face on it. The sign read:

“If I don’t smile, call you by name or thank you, please ask for your free gift.”

I immediately imagined the following scene for a movie or maybe a sketch comedy TV show: pan across the row of windows, showing happy smiling tellers next to their little signs. End pan on the last window and an evil, glowering teller who, as the next customer approaches, automatically THUNKS! down a small wrapped present with an unapologetic glare, thus getting the whole goddamn niceness issue right out of the way.
I’ve told my roommate this, and she says she can’t believe I didn’t ask what the gift was. Now that she mentions it, I can’t either. I’ll have to go back and see. We wonder how many people TRY to get presents out of their tellers by being as dick-ish as possible. And even though he is definitely not a dick (although I wouldn’t offer him Jehovah’s Witness literature if I were you), I can imagine my friend Dave White attempting to do that immediately.